Friday, November 07, 2008

just call him the bird whisperer

So here’s what went down in our house yesterday morning.

The alarm went off at it’s usual time, and John got up, went and started the coffee and then came back upstairs for his shower. My lazy ass stays in bed until all of these things have been accomplished. It seems to work for us.

So I was lying there, mostly awake, but still a bit drowsy, when I heard the water shut off. This is my cue to get myself up and ready, so that once John is out of the bathroom, I can head in. So far so good, right? Just a regular morning. I heard the bathroom door open and then a ruckus with John saying “oh no, not again!”

I sat right up, thinking the following in a nano-second:

the toilet has overflowed
the shower curtain rod has fallen off (this does happen, but usually only when I’m in the shower)
the bathroom door was off its hinges (this has also happened)
other random thoughts that were partially formed and involved intruders, fire, broken bones and killer bees (not that any of those have happened to us before, but did I mention this was in the morning? As in before 7am?)

So no, it was none of the above. What we had, was a bird in our house. Yes, and John was accurate in saying this, because this is the second time this has happened.

So up I get to watch a cute little bird perching and preening on one of the karate trophies in our library/guest bedroom. Adorable, right? Sure. (actually he was kind of cute) So we decided to close the door to keep him confined until we figured out what to do. In the meantime I decided I probably should have my shower, so as to keep on schedule for getting to work, etc.

Shower completed, I headed back to the bedroom to be greeted by “flap flap flap” – a bird between our blinds and the window, trying desperately to get out.

Wha'?? The bird was contained, what’s going on? I checked the door – closed. I looked underneath – not big enough for a bird to get through. People, that’s right, we had a second bird in our house which seemed to be turning into an aviary by the minute.

So I called down to John telling him that either we had a second bird or we had a super-powered-doorknob-opening bird. John came up and determined we had two. Great.

So John's plan was to close all the doors to the bedrooms and the bathroom, and then just open the front door. The bird will only have one path to follow, so he’ll take it and fly right out.

A most excellent plan. I stood in the boys’ room with the door closed and listened to the master at work:

John: *opening the first door* ok, hello bird – psst psst psst – come on, now, that’s it go go, psst psst. Great! That’s one! *opening the next door* ok now, psst psst, come on little buddy, let’s go, outside you go psst psst…

This was all said in very loving tones, very quietly, so as not to startle the birds, but caused me to laugh my freezing ass off while I stood in the other bedroom in my towel.

But it gets better:

John: ok now, come on – oh no, no don’t go in there! aaargh – he’s in the closet

(by this point my stomach hurts from laughing)

John: birds is so stupid.

Now I am full on laughing with tears at the hilarity of it all. Finally the second bird made its exit and all returned to normal.

Did I mention that all of this was prior to 7am?

So once we got downstairs, we started debriefing.

me: weird, huh? That's the second time we've had birds that seem to come from nowhere
John: yeah, but this time they were two different species
me: how do you know?
John: one was bigger than the other one
me: huh. *pondering the significance of the species difference while silently laughing at myself for wondering if there is significance and at John for even bringing up the species thing, because really?*

Later still, once we'd all had breakfast and I was getting ready to head out the door, John said he had to throw a shirt in the dryer.

John: but I’m kind of wary of going down to the basement, because that’s where those other birds came in too, right? I don’t want them to go all Hitchcock on my ass.

Seriously. Just when I thought the morning couldn't get any funnier.

As of now and forever more, any group of birds coming near me will be considered as “going Hitchcock on my ass”.

I could not make this up.

11 comments:

Mary Lynn said...

OMG, that is one of the funniest posts I've ever read.

CynthiaK said...

That is hilarious. Can I use that phrase, too? Brilliant.

Must go thank Mary Lynn for sending me over here to read that.

vivian said...

Seriously dude, this kind of stuff only happens to you two. I love it!

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