Sunday, May 25, 2008


Okay, people. I am beyond exhausted. Is there another word for that? For something beyond exhausted? I don't know, and I'm too tired to look it up. Here's what went down to create such tiredness of biblical proportion:

Thursday night's karate class, in which we threw ourselves (voluntarily, I might add) down to the ground in a punishment known as a breakfall - back, left side, and right side. The throw down isn't the hard part, it's really the springing back up in order to do it again that gets you. In the quads, mostly, but also in other muscle groups that up until now, had remained hidden to me. So yeah, the throwing down, the springing up, the throwing down and springing up - about 75 times. For real. And yes, I often do question why it is I pay someone to have me do this. I'm an enigma.

Yesterday's kickboxing class where all of the previously hidden muscle groups were brought out, stomped upon and then twisted up some more, causing me to have difficulty holding a water bottle, and going up and down stairs. We have a 3-level house. See above comment about paying.

The gardening that I so bravely attempted today, even though I've been feeling like roadkill. I managed to (with the help of my mother) take down most of a tree, expand an already large-ish flower bed, topsoil said flower bed, de-weed the driveway and environ, dig and install a border dividing our front lawn basically in half in preparation for grass elimination and mulch spreading. Topping up yet another flower bed with topsoil and then cleaning up from the day's activities.


I did, however, want to come on here in order to congratulate ML for her winning entry for the Conrad Black contest. About freaking time, I know. And I apologize. But! The prison nickname that cracked my shit up completely was "Black Velvet, if you please". Because, come on! That is serious Canadian Content right there! An Alannah Myles reference, in relation to Connie? Give it up people! It also conjures up some awesomely awful images of Con in jail, that I am going to leave you to ponder on your own, as per my dedication to classiness in this here blog.

So the moment you've all been waiting for.... ML wins this fabulous prize:

That's right! It's a set of ironic magnets! Clever! Anyway ML, this will be on its way to you shortly. (actually I'll probably just bring it to your house next weekend)

I would also like to offer a congratulations to our runner up kibi for the entry Conrad, the Rad-con - because that is also quite excellent, and a very awesome play on word. And kibi joined the game all the way from Israel, and considering I had no idea this was an intercontinental blog, I'm tickled. Seriously.

So thanks for playing along. I will be back with another timely contest at a later date. Right now though? If I can summon the strength, there is a bottle of pinot grigio with my name on it.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

i can haz hrmnz? plz?

O hai! Sorry it's been so long between posts, but I've been busy losing my fucking mind! For reals!

As you may know, just over three years ago, I had surgery to remove some of my ladyparts. Specifically the part that houses the unborn, should there be unborn to house. Two pregnancies and some other complications left me with a lot of problems in the nether regions, so it was determined this was the best course of action to relieve some pretty debilitating symptoms.

Okay, so if you thought that part was an overshare? You might want to stop reading now. I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, the rest of the bits were left intact, leaving me (according to my gyn) with normal function (whatever that is). Basically? It means that while I wasn't plunged straight into menopause (yay!) it became a lot more difficult to keep track of certain hormonal things that happen on a regular basis (boo!). As my husband so brilliantly put it: "same sentence, no punctuation." So for awhile, I did my best to keep tabs on things, and I pretty much was able to for that first year. "Wow, why am I so crabby and wanting to mainline salt and vinegar chips and Mars bars simultaneously?" Ah. *count count count* Okay. Makes sense now."

After the first year, things began to get a bit hazy and I just kind of had to roll with whatever the hormones threw at me. And it seemed to work out ok, I've managed to live a normal life, with the occasional normal monthly cravings, bloating and other normal stuff. Normal normal!
Over the past few months though, I've noticed that some of my normal symptoms have gone off the charts. And! There are new symptoms that have added themselves to the party! Is it hot in here, or is it just me?! Not to mention that this craziness happens more often than just once a month! What is up with this shit?? So, as is my style, I did a bit of research.

And, you probably already guessed it blogfriends. e-L learned that she is officially on the downward spiral to menopause hell. The official term is perimenopause, apparently. How quaint. At first I didn't believe it. Pshaw I said! This cannot be. I am only 41. I deluded myself for about 2 weeks. And then? Then, I had some kind of crazy raging hormonal frenzy fest that included actual throwing of oven mitts, stomping upstairs like an irate toddler, culminating in full-on face down on the bed sobbing and full body shaking that I just could not stop. Good times.

Apparently denial wasn't working for me.

I think the worst thing about this is the lack of control. I'm a fairly even-tempered person, by nature, and it usually takes a lot to get me riled up. And, even when I do lose my shit, I can almost always talk myself down from the ledge. With this stuff though, I don't know. It's just different. It's probably something I can learn to live with - I guess I have no choice. And from what I've read there are some good strategies to help deal with symptoms, but man. What a drag it is getting old. And boy howdy does it make me feel old. If lack of control is the worst part of this ordeal, the whole getting old part is a close second. Nothing like learning you're slipping into menopause to make you feel like a dried up shell of a woman.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm still vibrant! And sensational, even! And if I can keep a sense of humour about all this, I think I'll make out just fine. I can even think of myself as a trailblazer for all my friends - a pioneer, as it were. See? Just thinking about all the good I can do to help others makes me feel better already!

And if that doesn't work out? What's that federal department the US has - Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms? I'm gonna go party with those dudes.
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