You know that song “88 Lines About 44 Women”? Well it was in my head the other day, and you don’t have to thank me for sparing you the audiovisual content – you’re welcome. Anyway, with John’s birthday coming up, and actually being yesterday, I thought maybe I could work that somehow into a little tribute. So I came up with… “42 things about 1 awesome guy” which is seriously much harder – dude in the 88 song only had to come up with 2 lines about each girl. Meh. And you know too, according to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, 42 is the answer to the ultimate question about life, the universe and everything. Clearly, that has got to be celebrated, and celebrated in a numerical lista things:
1. He loves to dance. When all the other guys are standing around on the sidelines holding their beers or shuffling from one foot to the next because their dates full-on dragged them to the dance floor, John is shaking it hardcore. In earnest. I am the envy of everyone at the wedding, club, whatever, ‘cause I got me a man who done loves to boogie.
2. His nickname when we were dating (coined by our friend Rebecca) was “suave-dancing man”. (see above)
3. He can sing too, and will rock the karaoke at the drop of a hat. Best covers are REM and Red Hot Chili Peppers, although I will attest that he is neither as wacko as Michael Stipe nor as tattooed as Anthony Kiedis, but nonetheless, the man has some serious talent in the pipes department.
4. He has run 2 marathons, a few half-marathons, the grueling 30k Around the Bay Road Race 3 times; some 10k and 5k races, and he’s not done yet. Actually, he’s just warming up.
5. He is nearly half-way to earning his black belt in karate, and I have absolutely no doubt that he will get there and beyond.
6. Can we talk about intensity? (see above) He throws his whole damn self into everything he’s ever done, making the rest of us look lazy-assed bad. Yeah, thanks, John…
7. He will sometimes say something just before he falls asleep that will cause me to laugh my ass off for a good half hour, and this usually happens on nights when I’m really, really tired, and yet I have to stay awake laughing, while he happily drifts off to sleep.
8. If the word “wrap” ever comes up in conversation, like, “I need to wrap this gift” or “we’re out of plastic wrap” he will immediately launch into this whole rapping vibe and a sort of “boom chhhh, boom boom boom chhh, boom boom chhh….one day I was chillin’ in Kentucky Fried Chicken….” thing while making with the rap hands. He has been doing this for about 10 years now. It’s awesome. And it never. Gets. Old.
9. He consistently calls hors d’oeuvres “horse doovers” and this cracks me up every time.
10. He can explain anything to me – even math – and I will understand it.
11. He still has traces of his Ottawa Valley accent, and he’s a good sport when I tease him about the fact that he says “nyeeeen” instead of “nine”.
12. He can totally deal with any sort of bodily fluid the boys can manage to spew out – blood, vomit, snot, whatever – while I go white and need to leave the room, John is in there up to both elbows cleaning and sanitizing, and when everything is once again spotless, comes to retrieve me from the fetal position.
13. He is very tolerant of my mother. ‘nuff said.
14. He adores my friends, and they all adore him. When we were dating he was the guy all the girls wanted their boyfriends to be like (see dancing and karaoke references above)
15. He refuses to buy me appliances for special occasions – even if I specifically ask for them. Seriously, what’s wrong with wanting a bathroom scale for your birthday?
16. In prenatal classes, he was the star pupil, the dude with his hand up, knowing all the answers, asking great questions, and somehow knowing stuff about the female reproductive system that even the women didn’t know. I should have totally let him deliver the baby.
17. He misses my dad almost as much as I do.
18. When we first met, he had a very low tolerance for spicy food (ask him about our 3rd date at the Gate of India some time) but he has actually managed to work up quite a good tolerance now, and so a decent shrimp patia won’t actually turn him to ash anymore. Which is a good thing.
19. A fussing baby is no match for the man; within minutes of his patented “baby bounce” which consists of two hip bounces to the left, two to the right, and then a sort of back and forward motion, all babies instantly fall asleep. And some cats too, if they’re the lucky recipients of the baby bounce.
20. He has already rocked one brief “sex talk” with Charles and he handled it like a pro.
21. He has worked at the same company for nearly 20 years, but in various roles, with the most recent a promotion to management. They are totally grooming him for “king of everything” at that company, I can feel it.
22. He loves football, and mocks figure skating. Which is perfect.
23. He smiles with his whole face.
24. He had a bad banana experience as a child, yet still managed to mash up dozens of bananas for the boys when they were first on solid foods, without ever complaining or losing his own breakfast. Now that is love.
25. Dandelions are his nemesis, and he can be found, during the summer months, with a steel tool in hand, eradicating dandelions from our grass one at a time. They always come back, but he will never give up the fight, he will not rest.
26. He just recently got his very first cell phone, followed shortly by a Blackberry for work. And he’s actually starting to admit, they’re pretty cool.
27. If he finds something repulsive (see above for bananas and figure skating) he will express his disgust just like Sideshow Bob. And I’m sorry, I don’t have a written interpretation – you just have to imagine it. So funny.
28. Songs that have the word “fire” in them, he likes to sing like Elmer Fudd would – “oooh oooh oooh, I’m on fi-wuh”.
29. he has a Monty Python quote for pretty much every occasion or scenario
30. He’s always had a very good work/life balance – heavy emphasis on the “life”, cos it’s so important to have one
31. Sometimes when he comes home from work he will open the front door singing “How dooooooooooo” and then will launch into the Rabbit of Seville, and the boys and I will have to join in and we’ll sing the entire thing. And then I can ask him how his day was.
32. He’s good at admitting when he’s wrong – but prefers to admit when I’m wrong. I’m just sayin’
33. He’ll sometimes say something so definitive that it just has to be for real – like if I mention it’s snowing and he says “No. I refuse to accept any more snow. And that’s all I have to say on this matter” and it makes you think wow, snow, you’d better stop because nothing good will come of this, apparently we are refusing to accept more snow. Apparently this is possible.
34. He is an awesome cook and can work it in the kitchen like nobody’s bizzness
35. He is also an awesome dishwasher. I can probably count on a couple of hands the number of times I’ve had to actually do the dishes since we’ve been married.
36. Related to dish doing is dish stacking and John is the dish stacking man. If there is going to be a delay in the dish doing, the dish stacking must be done, so to leave some space on the counter. There are rules for dish stacking and an order in which dishes are stacked, where cutlery is placed, sharp knives in one area only, and probably a whole lot of other stuff I don’t even know, because I am totally out of my league in this so I just stay the hell away.
37. He’s anal. But in a good way.
38. The first time he ever met my extended family was at the cottage at “parade day” which is really just this hokey parade in some little barely-a-town locale, but the subsequent party back at said cottage is a right piss up and about 60 relatives descended on the poor guy, and yet he handled it like a champ. A champ that needed a bunch of beers to cope, but a champ just the same.
39. Whenever we try new wines he likes to say things like “hmmmm…absurd, yet flaccid” when discussing the bouquet or flavour. And every time he says it I laugh my ass off yet again.
40. I know our boys will learn and develop an extremely healthy attitude toward women – not because I will beat them into submission about it (okay maybe I will) – but because their dad has so much respect for women, and sexism and media exploitation and alla that bugs him as much as it does me, and so just through his example and the way he is, he will let them know what’s right. And they will get it because he can explain anything. (see #10 above) And failing that, we will bring the beatings.
41. Wow, all the way through to #41, I’m running out of numbers, and I haven’t even gotten to anything remotely dirty. Damn.
42. He loves me. He loves our family. We are so, so lucky.
Happy birthday, dude. You rock my world.